Going Over the Rainbow: The Diversity Dilema

July 31, 2016August 1, 2016 / Bran Lindy Ayres / Leave a comment

GoingOver theRainbow (1)

Ever since BookCon 2014 diversity has become one of the new buzz words around the publishing industry and among writers. The #WeNeedDiverseBooks tag showed a massive outpouring of support and desire for diversity in children’s books. While at the time the movement was primarily focused on cultural diversity it has grown over the last couple of years to reflect the need for all kinds of diversity; racial, physical ability, mental illness, sexual orientation and gender identity, and not just in children’s books. While this has been needed for years and nearly everyone your meet acknowledges this to some degree, there has been some push-back. Some authors felt as though they were being forced to write characters that might not fit their stories.

Thus came the rise of tokenism, diversity quotas and many instances of misrepresentation as well meaning authors attempted to correct their lack of diversity. Others refused to add diverstiy, citing the fear of getting it wrong. While the We Need Diverse Books campaign is crucial in highlighting where the industry lacks, it has not helped authors write more diversely.

Writing with diversity is something that every author should strive for. Yet, there isn’t much out there to show you how to do so. I’ve mentioned before, there are some stories that are not ours to tell. Jami Gold had a very helpful blog post about writing more diversely and I myself have written about it in the past. Yet there still seems to be a lot of confusion about what it means and how to go about it.

Especially how to go about it.

So, to that end I’ve developed a worksheet that you will hopefully find helpful in writing more diversely without falling back on stereotypes or feeling as though you’re just filling a perceived quota. The following info graphic is a shorthand version of the worksheet and is something I hope you’ll find both useful and educational.

Diversity Graphic

The Diversity Double Check (Info-graphic text)

Are you part of the minority you are writing about? Yes or no?
- Yes. Awesome. Keep up the good work. Your story needs to be told.
No? Do you have access to people who are part of this minority and are you willing to ask questions and do research? Yes or no?
- No. Please reconsider your stance. Writing truly diverse characters comes from learning about others and being willing to set aside our own assumptions.
Yes. Good. You’re headed in the right direction. Now, is your character’s story directly related to their experience as a minority? Yes or no?
- Yes. Please take a step back and think about why you feel qualified to write about this experience. This is not a situation where empathy can help you write authentically. In order to write this you must have experienced it.
No. Alright. Are they the only character in the story representing their minority? Yes or no?
- Yes. Caution! Why is this the case? You need to have a very compelling reason for this otherwise you may not be showing true diversity.
No. Good. You are on your way to a diverse cast. Now, do they have a stereotypical background, occupation or role in the story? Yes or no?
- Yes. Caution! Why is this the case? You need to have a very compelling reason for this otherwise you may not be showing true diversity.
No. Awesome. Last question. Do they die? Yes or no?
- Yes. Caution! Why is this the case? You need to have a very compelling reason for this otherwise you may not be showing true diversity.
No. Fantastic. You are well on your way to a diverse and well represented cast.

The questionnaire worksheet was created to help you ensure your story is diverse without resorting to tokenism or filling a perceived quota. You might find the answers to some questions uncomfortable. All this means is that you’ve uncovered internalized bigotry. This is not a reflection on you, but on the culture and society in which you’ve been raised. Knowledge is the first step to overcoming this perceived default state.

Even those of us who are part of a minority often find ourselves defaulting to white straight cis-gendered characters simply because this is what we see the most. It will take work to overcome this. The worksheet will help you find ways to incorporate diversity into your story—not effortlessly—but hopefully, seamlessly.

It will start you off with big picture questions about your story as a whole, from there it will take you to character specifics to help you better grasp the ways in which to reflect diversity. Lastly, there are a couple of exercises to help you get your muse used to the idea of writing diverse characters. This is not a quick fix thing. You will have to work at this, just like any other aspect of writing. It will take practice and you are going to make mistakes. It is part of learning and being a writer. But, I know you can do it and it will be awesome.

Diversity Worksheet generic (PDF)

Diversity Worksheet generic (docx)

Do you have any questions about how to incorporate more diversity into your stories? Have you found writing diversely a challenge? What about it feels challenging to you? What other kinds of worksheets or help would you like to see from me?

If you enjoy my posts please consider supporting me on Patreon. I would also be very happy if you would Buy Me a Coffee if you feel so inclined.

Book Review: Ice in Sunlight

July 23, 2016July 23, 2016 / Bran Lindy Ayres / Leave a comment

Disclaimer: I received a free copy of the book in exchange for an honest review.

“I think I’m supposed to be dead.”

Corwen’s emotions are a frozen wasteland after years of enslavement and abuse. When he’s finally rescued, freedom isn’t enough to thaw the wintry landscape of his heart.

Slowly, his new compatriots teach him that physical intimacy is a sacred gift, that pleasure can be shared without pain. With endless patience, they offer him a different way of being.

In order to be whole, Corwen must surrender the self-loathing he wears like armor. Can he learn to see himself the way his new companions do? Or will he hide from love forever in the icy vault that shields his deepest soul?

Ice in Sunlight is a full-length M/M fantasy tale. It is intended for mature readers only due to adult themes and content.

This is one of the few times I will post a review for a book I did not finish. While I personally did not care for the book I know the style and subject matter are something many might find compelling. Please do not let my personal opinion sway you from picking this book up, there are still many reasons to read it.

While I find Julia’s writing style pleasurable to read and the prose clear and evocative, from page one I found it impossible to connect with Corwen. I appreciated that Julia showed Corwen struggling to cope with the horrible things that had been done to him without having to actually show the abuse itself. His reaction to the changing situation is proof enough.

That being said, after six chapters of listening to Corwen’s derision at being shown kindness and many references to his daydreams of dying I could no longer handle his attitude. It might have helped if there was a break from his constant melancholy. I would have appreciated another viewpoint, such as from Amir, to give me a respite from Corwen’s depression and show me why the trio felt compelled to help him beyond the seemingly altruistic motives.

I finally closed the book on chapter six. I have enough dealing with my own self-loathing, depression and post trauma issues and would rather not read a whole book dealing with someone else’s. Unfortunately, Corwen was not someone with whom I could relate. Corwen has no redeeming qualities outside of his pining after Elias, he’s cruel and manipulative and knows he is. It is what has kept him alive this long. I really wanted to like him, but after spending half a book with him, I was done. I suppose it is a good thing Amir and the others have more patience since I no longer cared whether this frosty young man ever thawed or not.

Tomorrow join me on Queer Sci-Fi for an interview with author and editor Ryan Vance.

Please consider supporting me on Patreon.

Ayres & Graces: A New Column on Queer Sci-Fi

July 10, 2016 / Bran Lindy Ayres / 1 Comment

Today I’m launching a brand new bi-weekly column over on Queer Sci-Fi. Ayres & Graces will primarily focus on writing with diversity and challenges queer writers face. I’m very excited to be able to contribute to Queer Sci-Fi, so please come say hello!

Going Over the Rainbow: Gay Male Characters

July 3, 2016 / Bran Lindy Ayres / Leave a comment

GoingOver theRainbow (1)

With the end of a tumultuous and tragic Pride month there are more concerns than ever about how gay men are represented in media. So how can you, as a responsible author, help dispel many of the harmful stereotypes that lead people to commit horrible atrocities? By accurately and sensitively writing gay men. Please allow me to offer a few words of advice on this.

Gay/Homosexual Male: A man who is primarily attracted to other men to the exclusion of other genders.

Developing a Gay Character

So, how might you go about creating your own gay character? These questions might help you discover why your character has chosen this identity for themselves and how it impacts their life and relationships.

How do other characters react to your character’s orientation? How does your character react/respond to these reactions?
How does the society in your story react to gays? How does this affect your character? What assumptions do others have about gays/your character?
When did/will your character realize that they were attracted to males? How does/will your character think/feel about this? Is the realization because of a specific event, a gradual understanding/coming to terms, etc?
How does your character express their gender, whether by choice/effort or naturally, in terms of presenting, passing, self-image and comfort? Do they express their gender a certain way in the hopes of finding other gay men?
How does your character tell people about being a gay man (if they tell people at all)? If their coming out to their parents had a negative impact has this changed how they approach others about the subject?

Writing a Gay Character

As with writing any character, their sexuality is just one part of their whole identity. When writing your gay character here are a few things to keep in mind:

You can have your character specifically state they are gay. This will help the reader understand where your character is coming from. Having other characters react and ask questions will help mitigate an info dump. Many readers will reject a queer coded character unless it is specifically stated, but this is your decision to make.
Before writing a coming out story think carefully about whether or not this is your story to tell. Every person’s story is different and if you yourself are not a gay man this might not be your story to tell.
Do let your character have close intimate non-sexual/non-romantic relationships with characters of all genders. Being gay doesn’t mean your character will be attracted to every man they meet. Be clear on character intent and watch wording to avoid confusing your reader.
Try to avoid making your character gay simply as a plot device. It should be an integral part of who they are, not a quirk.
It might be best to avoid having them be a so-called ‘flaming gay’ as this can perpetuate harmful attitudes toward femininity and can promote the idea that gay men want to be women. If you choose to write a such a character please be careful of using feminine stereotypes for their characterization.
Be very careful about having your gay character die, suffer tragedy or mental illness as this is an incredibly harmful trope and should be handled with the utmost care.
Be mindful of the character’s ‘gaze’ or how they describe other characters as they can end up seemingly sexually attracted to people you didn’t intend and can lead to reader confusion as to their sexuality.

Things to keep in mind:

Gay men are increasingly the subject of queer experience appropriation, infantilization and fetishization in stories. The popularity of the ‘slash’ (M/M) genre has perpetuated some very harmful stereotypes, tropes and the continued fetishizing of gay relationships. It has also led to the stereotype of white cis-gendered gay men being the default ‘gay’ seen in media. This excludes gay men of other races and gay trans men. Please always keep in mind you are writing a person, not an orientation.

Tropes:

Tropes are tropes for a reason and most of these are not bad in and of themselves, however like a lot of tropes they often perpetuate harmful stereotypes and thus should be used cautiously. Some of these are problematic in and of themselves and should not be used without extreme caution and sensitivity. These tropes are marked with an asterisk.

Gays in Fiction

Gay men have been written about since the 1st Century and have been a constant fixture in human society all through the ages. A list of books featuring appropriate and accurate representation of gay men is a subject for debate.

Where We Are on TV 11

Lists of LGBT Fictional Characters

Famous Gay Men in History

Baron Friedrich Wilhelm von Steuben

Babur

William Lygon, 7th Earl Beauchamp

Cyrano de Bergerac

Leonard Bernstein

Marlon Brando

Ferdinand I of Bulgaria

Caligula

Jean Jacques Régis de Cambacérès

Truman Capote

Giacomo Casanova

Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky

Tennessee Williams

Going Over the Rainbow: Lesbians

June 19, 2016June 19, 2016 / Bran Lindy Ayres / Leave a comment

GoingOver theRainbow (1)

It’s been a rough year for fictional lesbians and not a great one for the rest of the MOGAI population either.

I don’t have any new words to say about Orlando that haven’t already been spoken. I can only move forward and hope this series inspires you to write even more queer characters so that many more people can read your stories and see we are human too. That’s my greatest hope.

So lets just jump right into today’s subject.

Lesbian: A woman who is primarily attracted to other women.

Developing a Lesbian Character

So, how might you go about creating your own lesbian character? These questions might help you discover why your character has chosen this identity for themselves and how it impacts their life and relationships.

How do other characters react to your character’s orientation? How does your character react/respond to these reactions?
How does the society in your story react to lesbians? How does this affect your character? What assumptions do others have about lesbians/your character?
When did/will your character realize that they were attracted to females? How does/will your character think/feel about this? Is the realization because of a specific event, a gradual understanding/coming to terms, etc?
How does your character express their gender, whether by choice/effort or naturally… in terms of presenting, passing, self-image and comfort? Do they express their gender a certain way in the hopes of finding other lesbians? What challenges/opportunities does this present them?
How does your character tell people about being a lesbian (if they tell people at all)?

Writing a Lesbian Character

As with writing any character, their sexuality is just one part of their whole identity. When writing your lesbian character here are a few things to keep in mind:

You can have your character specifically state they are a lesbian. This will help the reader understand where your character is coming from. Having other characters react and ask questions will help mitigate an info dump. Many readers will reject a queer coded character unless it is specifically stated, but this is your decision to make.
Before writing a coming out story think carefully about whether or not this is your story to tell. Every person’s story is different and if you yourself are not lesbian this might not be your story to tell.
Do let your character have close intimate non-sexual/non-romantic relationships with characters of all genders. Being lesbian doesn’t mean your character will be attracted to every woman they meet. Be clear on character intent and watch wording to avoid confusing your reader.
Try to avoid making your character lesbian simply as a plot device. It should be an integral part of who they are, not a quirk.
It might be best to avoid having them be a so-called ‘butch lesbian’ as this can perpetuate harmful attitudes toward femininity and can promote the idea that lesbians want to be men. If you choose to write a ‘butch’ lesbian please be careful of using masculine stereotypes for their characterization.
Be very careful about having your lesbian character die, suffer tragedy or mental illness as this is an incredibly harmful trope and should be handled with the utmost care.
Be mindful of the character’s ‘gaze’ or how they describe other characters as they can end up seemingly sexually attracted to people you didn’t intend and can lead to reader confusion as to their sexuality.

Things to keep in mind:

Lesbians face unique challenges in modern society. As women who love women they are often fetishized, made the butt of tasteless jokes, and given little personal agency in media. Their stories are commonly portrayed as inherently tragic, as nothing more than close friendships, as a woman who simply hasn’t found the ‘right’ man, or as men-hating extremists. These stereotypes are incredibly hurtful and far from the truth. It is your responsibility as the writer to make certain your portrayal, while true to your story, doesn’t reduce your lesbian character to a stereotype or trope. Always keep in mind that you are writing a whole, complex person, not just a sexual orientation.
Additionally, if a term seems like it might be offensive, please err on the side of caution and omit it. Terms like ‘gold star lesbian’ and ‘dyke’ should not be used as they can be incredibly offensive. Dyke is a term reserved for intra-community use. Please refrain from using it if you are not part of the community.

On ‘butch’ lesbians reecepine of Tumblr says:

There are privileges and disadvantages to lesbians passing for straight in the heteronormative world and in the LGBTIA+ community. An obvious advantage is safety. A disadvantage is femme invisibility (source), hence desperate queer coding which tends to lean towards masculine expressions (short hair etc.).

But often you can’t choose to pass or to be butch. It’s fairly common for pre-pubescent children to demonstrate gender nonconforming behaviour, but there is a strong association between high-level gender non-conforming activity and people later IDing as transgender or homosexual. It happens, it is stressful and it attracts corrective behavior modifications and abuse, from childhood onwards. Meaning a lot of lesbians don’t conform to gender norms and never have, and have been criticized their whole lives for that. I was assigned female at birth, have been socialized as female, and ID as cis. I’m (usually, relatively) feminine-presenting but have naturally masculine mannerisms, so I can pass for ‘not butch’ only if I go out of my way to act, and dress in what feels like a costume. My natural state of behaving, though, doesn’t mean I want to be or am trying to be male.

Tropes:

Tropes are tropes for a reason and none of these are bad in and of themselves, however like a lot of tropes they often perpetuate harmful stereotypes and thus should be used cautiously. Bury Your Gays is one of the most prevalent and one to be avoided.

Lesbians in Fiction

Lesbians have been written about since the 2nd Century and have been a constant fixture in human society all through the ages.

Wiki List of lesbian fiction

Famous Lesbians in History

Del Martin & Phyllis Lyon

Florence Nightingale (speculated)

Movie Review: Warcraft

June 12, 2016 / Bran Lindy Ayres / Leave a comment

warcraft_teaser_poster I don’t review movies too often, there are so many reviewers out there and I know how much I disregard reviews myself. I rarely ever agree with critics on movies. Everyone has their own tastes, same with books or video games.

I’ve actually had the opportunity to see several movies in the theaters this summer, something that rarely happens for me. I’ll tell you something that might surprise you: of everything I’ve seen this year so far, Warcraft is by far the best movie.

Before you laugh your way to the unfollow button, hear me out.

I saw Civil War and while it was good it lacked so much that would have made it great. It felt rushed and the characters manhandled into their roles.

I suffered through TMNT2 and it was everything you should never do in a movie. (Some one please rescue Megan Fox from Massive Bastard and give her some real roles please). There was little to no character development and the plot was so thin as to be transparent. The cartoon had more plot and characterization in 20 minutes than that entire movie.

Which brings me to Warcraft. I played the game a few years after it came out, but not religiously like some. I left a while back and just never got back into it. So I came into the movie with only a few loose memories and no major expectations.

Within the first 5 minutes I’m blown away. It’s both epic and intimate. There are massive sweeping battle scenes that had me holding my breath and private moments so painfully intense I was in tears. I forgot I was watching a movie.

The best part? These characters really truly felt alive in ways that no other movie this year has accomplished. There was more characterization of Gul’dan in the first 3 minutes we meet him than Casey Jones got in the entire TNMT movie. This holds true for the rest of the large cast.

Where Civil War fumbled handling multiple character viewpoints, Warcraft excels and draws us in and shows us how both sides are much more similar than they ever would imagine. Each character had their own moment to shine but never at the expense of the plot. One of my favorite aspects was how the women in the movie were real, concrete and had agency.

So much credit goes to both the actors and the VFX people for making the orcs feel so real, and—dare I say it—human. Too many times I get distracted by the effects and get pulled out of the movie. This was not the case here. It was a beautiful meld of real and CG that only enhanced the story.

I can’t say much more without spoiling it but I will be seeing it again.

New Book Release: Masquerade

May 28, 2016May 28, 2016 / Bran Lindy Ayres / Leave a comment

I’d hoped to have this ready back in February, but life. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ In other news the Going Over the Rainbow series is going on hiatus while a major revamp/restructure is in the works. I hope to have more news for you soon. I’m super excited about the new direction and I think it will be much more helpful to writers and really anyone looking to bring more diversity into their lives.

Now on to the new release.

Masquerade is a novella prequel to The Jeweled Dagger and follows Lafayette on their ill-fated mission in Galey. If you’ve had a chance to read The Jeweled Dagger this will give you more insight into what happened and introduce you to a couple of characters who are only mentioned in passing in the novel. If you’ve not had a chance to read the novel and want to read this first, it’s a great introduction to Lafayette & Genevieve. The events lead directly into the opening of The Jeweled Dagger.

Plots and intrigue are Marchioness Genevieve Merlot’s specialty, and opulent balls teeming with bored aristocrats are the perfect opportunity to uncover the secrets behind idle gossip and courtly scheming.

However, things take a sinister turn when they overhear a plot to assassinate the Orandon Queen.

It will take all their skill and ingenuity not only to survive but to foil the assassins and return home.

Masquerade is available for pre-order on Amazon as an e-book only release. It will be available June 1st.

The Jeweled Dagger Cover You can purchase The Jeweled Dagger here:

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Going Over the Rainbow: Writing a Character Who is Transgender

May 15, 2016May 14, 2016 / Bran Lindy Ayres / Leave a comment

GoingOver theRainbow (1)

Trans Terms

Transgender issues have been in the spotlight lately with Target’s new policy and North Carolina’s anti-LGBT legislation. Neither of these news items tell us much about just what it is like to be a trans person, other than that going to the bathroom in public places can be like playing Russian roulette where all the chambers are filled but one.

I decided to go ahead and write this after seeing a post on a Facebook group I’m a part of asking writers how they write genderqueer characters. While well meaning, many of the comments showed a fundamental lack of understanding of what it means to be trans or genderqueer. So I’ve tailored today’s post to cis-gendered writers looking to write trans characters sensitively. As I’ve said before, there are some issues best left to trans or genderqueer writers, but please don’t be afraid to write a trans character. I’m hoping this post will help you be more confident in portraying them.

Transgender (adj.)

An umbrella term for people whose gender identity and/or gender expression differs from what is typically associated with the sex they were assigned at birth. People under the transgender umbrella may describe themselves using one or more of a wide variety of terms – including transgender. Some of those terms are defined below. Use the descriptive term preferred by the individual. Many transgender people are prescribed hormones by their doctors to change their bodies. Some undergo surgery as well. But not all transgender people can or will take those steps, and a transgender identity is not dependent upon medical procedures.

(http://www.glaad.org/reference/transgender)

Writing a Transgender Character

So you want to write a transgender character? That’s awesome! Here are some thoughtful questions that you can ask yourself about your character to help you better understand how they see themselves and how they interact with the world:

Which gender does your character identify as?
How does this gender manifest and how does your character show/perform it?
How does your character think/feel about being transgender? Does it give them an advantage/disadvantage? Is it a big deal to them or not?
Do they deal with gender dysphoria? If so, how do they handle it? If not, what other identity challenges might they face?
When did your character discover that their gender identity did not match their assigned gender? What kind of experience was it?
Does your character plan to transition to their gender? Why or why not? If so how do they plan to transition (hormone therapy, surgery?) and what challenges might they face?
How does the character interact with the world?
How does your character want to be perceived by others? How are they actually perceived?
How do other characters react to your character? Do they use their chosen name and pronouns or not? How does your character handle these reactions?
How does the society in your story treat your character?

This is just to get you thinking about building a complex character who is transgender. If you can’t answer all these questions now, then just keep them in the back of your mind for consideration as you continue to develop your character.

Keep specific gender traits for your character consistent. A character worksheet can help you to make sure you have the details down.
Don’t fall into gendered stereotypes for gender expression. There is nothing wrong with any of the activities themselves, but be careful about using them to portray a specific gender expression. Remember that some people are gender non-conforming. A female character can act masculine without being trans.
How your character expresses their gender should fall in line with their personality. They are still the same person no matter which gender they identify as. Personality traits are not gender dependant.
Pronoun usage should match your character’s chosen pronouns unless the character speaking is someone who refuses to address your trans character properly.
As with pronouns, names should stay consistent within a scene. If your character prefers a particular name for their gender identity this should be used when the character is the point of view character in the scene. Other characters might use or disregard their chosen name with appropriate reaction/consequences.
Remember, gender identity is independant from sexual orientation. A person who transitions from male to female and is attracted only to men may identify as a straight woman. A person who transitions from female to male and is attracted to men would most likely identify as a gay male.

I hope this will help you get started writing a transgender character. As with any gender identity it’s important to remember you are writing a person, not a gender. Who they are is more important than what they identify as and while it is a large part of their personality, it shouldn’t be the sole focus.

Special Note:

It’s worth it to note that crossdressing is not the same as being transgender. GLAAD states:

While anyone may wear clothes associated with a different sex, the term cross-dresser is typically used to refer to heterosexual men who occasionally wear clothes, makeup, and accessories culturally associated with women. This activity is a form of gender expression, and not done for entertainment purposes. Cross-dressers do not wish to permanently change their sex or live full-time as women. Replaces the term “transvestite.”

PLEASE NOTE: Transgender persons are not cross-dressers or drag queens/kings. Drag queens/kings are men and women, typically gay or lesbian, who dress like men or women for the purpose of entertainment. Be aware of the differences between transgender persons, cross-dressers, and drag queens/kings. Use the term preferred by the individual. Do not use the word “transvestite” at all, unless someone specifically self-identifies that way. (http://www.glaad.org/reference/transgender) Wording changed to be more inclusive.

Going Over the Rainbow: What is Gender Dysphoria?

May 6, 2016 / Bran Lindy Ayres / Leave a comment

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Yesterday on Tumblr I had an anon ask an excellent question about gender dysphoria and what having an episode feels like. So I thought I would share it with you all here as well. This is one of those things that unless you experience it yourself it can be difficult to comprehend. I did my best to explain it but I highly recommend that if you decide to write a character who experiences gender dysphoria while you do not, that you have someone who does, beta read for you.

gender dysphoria episode ask

[Text: Anonymous asked: Could you describe of what a gender dysphoria episode is like? I understand the basics I think, but was wandering if you could describe it in more detail? Or maybe you could point out a part in the Jeweled Dagger that shows this?]

My Answer:

sorrowsfall:

Gender dysphoria is something that is only briefly mentioned in JD during a conversation between Genevieve, Olivia and Nora.

“Nora often wishes she’d been born a boy. She hates being a girl.”

“I am sorry, Nora. That is a difficult thing.”

Nora shrugged. “I make do. Though if you can get away with dressing as a woman maybe you can show me how to dress as a man. It would make me a lot happier than wearing this fucking dress.”

Genevieve blinked at the course language then smiled. “I’d be happy to help.” – (The Jeweled Dagger)

The scene I mentioned in my post yesterday has the dysphoria front and center. (This might be a bit spoilery for both JD and Daggers and a rather long reply, so I hope you don’t mind). Lafayette might be genderfluid but being forced to present as a gender they are not currently experiencing can be just as difficult and disorienting as it would be for a trans person.

Current circumstances have forced Lafayette to come to Court as Genevieve. The dysphoria starts as they’re getting ready with them not recognizing themselves in the mirror.

As he got ready Lafayette kept trying to get into the right mindset. He could pretend to be Genevieve but he hated doing that. It was like trying to wear something that didn’t quite fit and chaffed, except it was internal rather than external. Watching himself in the mirror as he started applying the paste to his skin made him uncomfortable and left him with a sick hollow feeling. Did Rona not understand what she was asking of him, demanding he only appear as Genevieve? He wasn’t some actor playing a role. Though he supposed this wasn’t much different from the days he had to pretend to be male too. – (The Daggers of Ariyon)

I’ve deal with this myself a lot (it’s one of the reasons I hate mirrors so much). Imagine going into your bathroom to get ready in the morning, yet the person staring back at you in the mirror is not you. Intellectually you know it’s your face but your gut is telling you this is all wrong. Sometimes, if I’m having a bad day, this will set off either a panic attack or a depressive episode that can last hours or days. Other times I end up self-harming. Yeah, mirrors are not my friend.

Hearing the wrong pronouns can result in an episode too.

Nate didn’t look convinced until Olivia stuck her head out the door. “Don’t worry, I’ll keep an eye on her.”
A small jolt shot through Lafayette at the ‘her’ but he shoved the feeling aside. – (The Daggers of Ariyon)

It always gives me a start, like a sudden drop, makes me dizzy, nauseated and confused. That’s usually when I have to stop and forcefully talk to myself to prevent a full episode. I have to remind myself that people look at me and see a certain gender.

You probably have a mental image of yourself. The way you see yourself when you’re imagining doing things, or even dreaming. This is very normal, yet I don’t have a mental image of myself. I *know* what I look like, yet my mental image is just a shadowy figure. I’m never ‘myself’ in dreams. If I am it’s probably a nightmare. From what I’ve read many trans persons experience similar things, their mental image of themselves doesn’t match the external. And I don’t mean just that you think your looks aren’t what you want. This goes a whole lot deeper.

Sometimes, for some people, just having to look at or feel parts of their anatomy that don’t fit their gender can result in an episode. Others actually feel as though they are missing breasts or a penis, it’s been likened to phantom limb syndrome. This has lead to speculation that while the brain is wired to have those parts of the anatomy, they aren’t physically present. As you can imagine this can be terribly disorienting. You never feel whole, or normal no matter how hard you try.

Lafayette doesn’t have the luxury of staying home. As many of us don’t. We have to deal with the dysphoria and hope we don’t break down in public. I personally felt it was important to explore this aspect of being gender non-conforming though I know Lafe’s experience won’t be exactly the same as other people who experience gender dysphoria. Their dysphoria is different even from my own.

It’s my sincere hope that writing about this helps educate people and provides a basis for understanding.

Here are some links that might help too and I’m always happy to talk. ^_^

What does gender dysphoria feel like?

How does gender dysphoria feel?